Kansas City H Pal

I was diagnosed with herpes during my pregnancy with my now 5-year-old son. My husband had told me shortly after we were married that he had to wash up after sex or he would get something that looked like ingrown hairs. I don't know exactly what was different this time, but he finally went to the doctor to have it checked out. When he got back, he yelled at me, telling me it was herpes and asking how he had gotten it, sort of insinuating that I had given it to him. Well, being pregnant, I was a bit freaked out, more for my baby's sake than anything else. So, I went into my OBGYN to get tested. They asked me if I had ever had an outbreak, which at the time, I hadn't, so they did a blood test. It came back positive for HSV. My doctor told me since I had never had an outbreak, they would just keep an eye out for anything, but I would be able to have my son naturally unless I did have an outbreak at the time of birth. (I ended up giving birth naturally, since I didn't have an outbreak.)

About a year and a half later, I moved to Kansas from Arizona so I could get a job and have medical insurance by the time my husband got out of the military (which was supposed to be a few months later. Shortly after he left to go back to Arizona, I finally had my first outbreak. I guess it was the stress of the move and being separated from my husband. It wasn't really a big deal physically. I only had a small patch of blisters, itchiness, no other symptoms. Emotionally, it still wasn't really a negative thing since I was married, and I thought we would be together forever. Although, I must admit that my marriage had severe trust issues from my husband's diagnoses on because I thought that my husband had cheated and given me herpes.

A couple of months later, my husband told me he wanted a divorce. He had met someone else. During the divorce, I went through my first real shock and anger over getting herpes. I was afraid that no one else would ever want me and that I would be alone forever. I was suicidal and had to go to therapy and be put on antidepressants. I don't know how much of it had to do with the divorce itself and how much of it had to do with herpes. I finally got past that, started going back to church, had a ton of support from my friends and family.

It was then that I actually started telling the people close to me that I had herpes. My best friend, sister, and niece were all very supportive. Before that, I had never told anyone, because I felt that it would be disloyal to my husband. Finally being able to talk about it was such weight lifted from my shoulders. A few months after my divorce was final (a year from when we were first separated), I was doing some research on herpes online when I came upon a dating site for people with herpes. That was really the beginning of rebuilding my self-esteem. I was desirable again!! What a great feeling that was!! Of course, the men I would meet online were spread all over the United States, but some of the people I've met have turned into some of my closest friends. They were extremely attractive but also, herpes wasn't an issue at all.

I became involved with one of the leaders of a herpes social group, so I started going to social events with him. Though we have since broken up, it led me to start a social group in my area, H2O Kansas City Friends. I started telling more people I had herpes. It was funny, because the first few guys I told, I was actually trying to discourage them from wanting to date me. What a shocker when they still wanted to!! I had to tell them that I wasn't interested in them in that way. Eventually, I had to tell the first guy that I actually wanted to date about having herpes. He didn't care! We dated for a little while, but it didn't work out, not because of the herpes but because of other issues. I'm still dating, mostly non-h guys now due to the distance issues of online dating. "The Talk" gets easier each time you do it.

My promise to the person that is reading this is that I will be there for you whenever you need me and my ears and mind are always open. DON'T try to cope with this on your own - reach out. I will do what I can to encourage you so that you can look towards getting on with life and laughter. There IS a life after herpes!!! It does not define who you are as a person!!!

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